Parting Words

My two months’ time in South Africa is nearly at an end. Before I continue along the road to Swaziland, I would like to share with you a few things I have learned about this country.

For the language enthusiast, South Africa boasts a panoply of official tongues – 11 to be exact. They are, in order of prominence: Zulu, Xhosa, Afrikaans, North Sotho, English, Tswana, South Sotho, Tsonga, Swati, Venda and Ndebele. The spoken vernacular changes from region to region, so it is simply not enough to speak 1 or 2 if you wish to communicate effectively with everyone. The result is that most South Africans speak 3 or 4, even outside the educated circles. The exception is the Whites, who often stick to Afrikaans or English only.

Dear White South Africans: you are the most racist bunch of punks I have ever met and you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Your paranoia of Blacks is transparent and pathetic and if you truly, truly cannot coexist with your darker-toned fellow countrymen then I suggest that you pack up your things and return to whatever European Superpower your imperialist, warmongering great-grandpappy came from. That is all.

Dear Black South Africans: on the whole, you are amongst the nicest people to have made my acquaintance. You’ve welcomed me into your shebeens, you’ve laughed supportively when I’ve struggled with your clicky languages, and you’ve picked me up on the side of the highway in your clunky cars. The calm, cool indifference with which you brush off the incessant snobbery of the Whites is inspiring, and it pleases me to witness you working diligently to uphold your values in a society that is making every effort to assimilate you into Western life. Oh, and as for the miniscule fraction of you who make a living preying on tourists: you guys are assholes.

The food in South Africa is quite unspectacular, which to the surprise of many of my readers has left me at a loss of words to describe it. Some noteworthy dishes include potjie (stew of root vegetables in coconut milk), bunny chow (hollowed out loaf of bread filled with curry), pap (cornmeal sludge, a staple in the townships) and biltong (seasoned jerked antelope meat). For the most part, South African food is a mishmash of flavours that have been tattooed on to the national palette by the various immigrant populations. However, the bulk of what’s cooking is the all-too-familiar Western fare such as meat pies, burgers and sausage rolls. The coffee served here isn’t fit for your poodle.

The landscape, meanwhile, is exceptional. South Africa has it all, from rocky beaches in the Cape to snow-capped mountains in the Drakensburg to desolate valleys in the Karoo. The topographical diversity makes this country a worthy destination for outdoorsy folks, who come here to surf, abseil, hike, climb and kloof, all the while being basked in the brilliant sun as it radiates lambently over the land.

Okay, it’s true: Johannesburg sucks. Once a cosmopolitan metropolis whose citizens were rich off fortunes of gold and diamonds, the city has declined into a crime-ravaged wasteland. Many businesses and their affluent clients have fled the city centre to the Northern suburbs, leaving a sea of derelict buildings and a state of near lawlessness in their wake. Hillbrow, a once-coveted neighbourhood in the downtown core, has become so dangerous that “even Black South Africans don’t go there.” I’m told that the place is run by drug barons from Nigeria and Zimbabwe. The real problem is that, even in the nicer areas, no Joburg resident is safe. Johannesburgians live in homes surrounded by barbed wire and policed by armed guards, though this does not constitute a guarantee of security – many people are robbed or murdered while sitting in their cars, waiting for their electronic gates to open. It comes as no surprise to me that Joburg is famous for being the most dangerous city outside of a war zone.

Wow, haven’t I really made this place sound irresistible? The truth is that South Africa has not captured my heart like Brazil and Iceland did. But do I recommend a visit here? Yes. South Africa is an ideal place for the uninitiated adventurer taking his/her first steps on this Dark Continent. Fly in to Cape Town, visit the wine country, make a few stops on the Garden Route, take a hike in Mpumalanga and finish off with a game drive in one of the National Parks, and you shall not be disappointed. But please – PLEASE, for the love of God, do not go to Johannesburg.