Fashion

I've always had a face fit for radio.

Hey, don't go blaming my parents. It's not a genetic thing. In fact, I used to be quite dashing.

But sadly, a series of unfortunate incidents that occurred during my childhood (losing teeth while diving into a swimming pool, running head-first into a lamp post, being slashed in the lips by an ice skate) have rendered my once-impeccable visage into the Gonzo-esque mug that you see me sporting today.

In therefore regret to announce that, due to a terminal case of not being excruciatingly attractive, my childhood ambition of becoming a handsome Hollywood superstar will never come to fruition.

On the other hand, my career on the Bollywood screen is well under way. Let me explain.

While loitering on the street in Mumbai the other day, I was approached by a woman who offered me a position as an extra in an Indian film that is currently being shot. Fame and fortune will be yours! she quipped. Well, actually all she promised me was two free meals and a 500 rupee ($12.50) paycheck, but that was enough, so I signed up.

The following day, my new "agent" came to collect me at the hostel, and along with several other token White people, I was shuttled in style (um, on the city bus) to the film studio. There, I was told to remove my t-shirt and replace it with a shockingly gaudy velvet number, complete with turned-up collar and a rather silly floral pattern on the cuffs. I looked a bit like the Fonz, only more gay. Apparently this is how Indian people think we dress in North America.
Once in costume, we went to the set.

A little about the film itself: entitled Fashion, it tells the story of a young girl from Mumbai who dreams of being a supermodel, and eventually succeeds in doing so. But it's not an easy road for our young heroine. On the way up, she must surmount a series of challenges, such as outwitting catty other models, and placating a father who thinks her rise to stardom is inappropriate. I know, I know, just brimming with originality. Anyway, the bright spot for me was that the girl was played by former-Miss-World-and-current-Bollywood-leading-lady Prianka Chopra, whom I got to ogle for most of the day.

The scene we were shooting was set in a cocktail bar, so as extras we spent nearly 14 hours standing around with fake glasses of champagne, pretending to be engaged in conversation while the real actors were being filmed around us. On a few occasions, I got a walk-through role, whereby someone would direct me to stroll nonchalantly through the shot. I would normally be quite pleased with this, inasmuch as there is virtually no way that I wasn't on camera... too bad I looked like a poof in that shirt.

Ever watch a Bollywood film? They're really quite entertaining. Almost always 3 hours in length, they encompass just about every film genre in one go: song, dance, drama, action, comedy and romance, all wrapped together in a visual spectacle that some how winds up being artsy and slightly ridiculous at the same time. Fashion won't be coming to screens in India until 2009, but if you do want a little taste of Bollywood in the meantime ('cause I know you'll all be rushing to cinemas to see me a year from now) then I recommend Kal Ho Naa Ho. Check your local Indian DVD rental store.

Suffice to say that after a full day of pretending to drink at a fake bar, I needed to quaff a few beers in a bona fide establishment that served actual liquor. Glad I had 500 rupees to do just that! As I left the studio, my agent asked if I would like to return again the next day. I politely declined.
It seemed like an odd idea, to wile away on an Indian film set day-in-day-out, hoping that one day you'd be given a line or even a role to play. Funny thing is, there are plenty of foreigners in Mumbai who are actually doing it. I think they've all gone crazy. Take the Russian guy who spent 20 minutes bewildering me with a speech about how the only safe country in the world is Greenland. Or the Iranian girl who asked me "what is your name?" and "what is your country?" before telling me I was beautiful (beautiful??) and asking me to marry her. I told her I think we should see other people.

But hey, maybe if Bollywood doesn't pan out, I can try my luck in the Iranian film industry.

See Mike Hudson starring in Allah Camel al-Tabouleh Jihad, coming to the Tehran Megaplex in 2010.