Garbage Delight

Now Im not the one who'll say no to a bun
And I can always manage some jelly
If somebody gurgles, please eat my hamburgles
I try to make room in my belly
I seem, if they scream
Not to gag on ice cream
And with fudge I can choke down my fright
But nothing's enticing
Or even worth slicing
Compared to Garbage Delight.

This is an excerpt from a poem that my mother used to read to me when I was young. "Garbage Delight" denotes heaps and heaps of good food.

Those of you who know me well are aware that I have a profound love for all things culinary. On several occasions throughout the past six months, certain members of my family have put forth queries as to why I'd abstained from discussing the food in Africa to any degree. Today, the answer becomes clear: I had been planning to publish a list of my five best dining experiences on the continent as a whole, and for the sake of accuracy I was sworn to wait until my final week.

So without any further ado, I unveil to you the winners, counted up from fifth-best.

NUMBER 5
Meal: Springbok shank with red wine and rosemary jus
Location: Mama Africa's, Cape Town, RSA
Here I was, less than a week into my time in South Africa and already sinking my teeth into their national animal. The antelope meat was tender and succulent and the sauce divinely thick, ideal for being mopped up with some bread. I'd hardly expected to be eating this well on the Dark Continent.
What makes Mama Africa's special is that it's not just a restaurant - it's dinner theatre. After the meal is done, the lights are killed and the place fills with jugglers, musicians, singers, acrobats and mimes, and everyone gets gunned on Castle Lager. The party rages into the night, or at least it would have for us, had my friends and I not been sitting with a devoutly racist family of White South Africans. Their malicious, disparaging and shockingly audible comments to our Black waitress eventually sent us fleeing from the place in embarassment.

NUMBER 4
Meal: The Malawian Vegetarian Buffet
Location: Mayoka Village, Nkhata Bay, Malawi
Could it be that a fully vegetarian meal makes it into my top four?
Yes, it is so.In fact, I'll hazard that even the most seasoned flesh-addict would put his steak aside for a night for a chance to dig into this symphony of garden delights: deep fried cassava chips, spinach in peanut sauce, savoury red beans, curried sweet potato, okra and tomato stew, grilled eggplant and homemade mango chutney are all available, served in massive steaming cauldrons that line the bar. Remember boys, this is a buffet, so if eating a meal devoid of meat makes you nervous, just overcompensate and put back 5 kilos of the stuff.
Mayoka Village is just a hostel, by the way.

NUMBER 3
Meal: Mixed grilled seafood
Location: Forodhani Gardens, Stone Town, Zanzibar
By day, Forodhani is a park where Muslim women hang out in the shade and gossip. By night, it's a barbeque bonanza, where hundreds of pounds of sea delicacies are cooked up on smoking coal grills. The selection is unprecedented, and each table has at least 10 local guys hustling you to buy from them. Funny how they all claim that theirs is the freshest. For $10, I feasted on calamari, octopus, shark and tuna, with a side of chipati, hot sauce and beer. Seafood this cheap? Forodhani should be a no-brainer for the #1 spot. The sad reality is, however, that any leftover bits from the previous night go right back on the grill, and many tourists who eat here end up feeling dodgy afterwards.

NUMBER 2
Meal: A bologna sandwich
Location: Shoprite Supermarket, Kasane, Botswana
Under normal circumstances, it would be a pretty sad state of affairs if a bologna sandwich managed to snag the silver medal. So before you start feeling sorry for me, know this:
I had just completed my 8-day crossing of Zimbabwe. During that stint, the most appetizing meal I ate was a plate of rice with some chopped-up hot dog and salt, and on some days I was unable to find anything more than bananas and soda water. I was famished. More than that, I was craving something greasy and satisfying.
As I entered the door of the Shoprite - having walked 10km from the Zimbabwe border to get there - I was awestruck. After only seeing empty shelves for more than a week, the sight of a stocked supermarket make me feel like a pilgrim would upon arriving at his ashram after a long quest. I bought fresh bread, processed cream cheese, bologna, potato chips, lettuce and milk. Later, at my hotel, I made the mother of all hoagies, ate the whole damn thing, then spent the remains of the day lying in bed like a satiated lion, listening to the happy gurlges in the depths of my stomach.
Oh, and the milk: not 5m out of the grocery store, I cracked the seal and drank the whole litre in one go. It began to seep from my mouth and run down my shirt, causing the locals to stop and stare. I served them a peremptory scowl in return... I deserved this.

NUMBER 1
Meal: Meat, meat and more meat
Location: Carnivore Restaurant, Karen, Kenya
I suppose I was preordained to visit this place before I left Africa, and as I approached the front doors of the restaurant, I could practically sense its gravitational pull. At Carnivore, you sit around a table. In the centre of this table are two things: an assortment of sauces, and a flag on a stick. Raise the flag, and a battalion of waiters carrying giant skewers of meat descends upon you, hacking bountiful slices onto your plate with their pangas. Each man carries something different, and over the course of the evening you'll be served pork, lamb, beef fillet, chicken, turkey, sausage, liver, ostrich and crocodile. It's a true Brazilian churrascaria, done African style, and until you lower the flag, the meat keeps on coming.
One of the Canadian girls sitting at the table couldn't stop talking about how her favourite food was rice. Rice? What the Hell kind of favourite food is that? Can you imagine, sitting here with this meat extravaganza in front of you, rattling on about your preference for rice? God help the person who ever does that at my dinner table. Rice is for losers. And Koreans.

With a nip and a nibble
A drip and a dribble
Dollop a walloping bite
If you want to see grins all the way to my shins
Then give me some Garbage Delight.
Right now.
Please pass me the Garbage Delight.