As a change of pace, I've decided to make this blog a little more interactive. Here's why:
Night after night, no matter where I am in Africa, there is always a local guy who sees me as his ticket to free liquor. I'll be sitting at a bar or cafe, either alone or with friends, and some dude will approach and tell me that I should buy him a drink.
They don't even ask nicely! It's never "Hello, I couldn't help but notice that you are a handsome and distinguished young man, and I was hoping you'd be so kind as to purchase me an alcoholic beverage so that I may enhance my evening." No. Instead, they'll wander up, put an empty glass on the table in front of me and say "Hey. Buy me a drink. I want whiskey and coke."
Believe it or not (and I'm sure many of you won't) I'm actually polite with these people. I'll often counter with "Sorry, not tonight" or "I really can't help you man" or, if I'm feeling pissy, "Please go away and leave me alone!!!" I actually say PLEASE!
Well I'm tired of saying please. I want to say something else- something that will not only cause them to beat it, but also to make them think twice about asking the next time.
This is where you come in. Put yourself in my shoes... you're having a couple of drinks, and some freeloading tosser informs you of your obligation to buy him some tipple. What do you say?
I invite you to post your retorts as comments affixed to this post. Remember, I can't say anything that is going to get me stabbed, so this should be witty and clever, not malicious. Also remember that my dear mother reads this blog, so if your ideas are unquestionably inappropriate, email them to me.
I open the floor to your suggestions...
Matt, Jacko, Iain, I know you guys have got something good.
So let's have at it, shall we?
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5 comments:
i'm sure i'll think of more, but here's one that fyvie and i dropped on a homeless guy one night while walking around vic high school (can't remember why we were there in the first place). as soon as you see the african guy's mouth open, you cut right in with a pre-emptive verbal strike of "hey, you should buy me a drink!"
* the homeless guy's mind was blown when we asked him for change. i think he might have shut 'er down for the night after that. i'm interested to hear what the africans think of your version of it.
a shortlist of other suggested responses:
1. "...and you should kiss my ass!" then hold your hand up for a high five. let me know if he reciprocates.
2. "hell, tell you what. i'll buy you ten drinks if you can beat me in the 100m freestyle!"
3. "hey, what's the chemical formula for nitric oxide?" and when he doesn't know, tell him to think it over or look it up. long before he realizes it's "NO", he'll probably also have realized that he's not getting that drink.
4. speak to him politely, but give him the beth wrrbbrbrll googly-woggly-eye, and drag it out until it creeps him out and he can't handle the lack of eye contact and decides to leave you and your vacant ear-stare alone.
5. do a rather elaborate beat box freestyle jam, and then on the closing beat simultaneously bust a "chillin' at a party in a b-boy stance" stance and say "no!" i'm sure he'll be disappointed, slightly insulted, more than a tad bewildered, and also, to his own chagrin, somewhat impressed.
6. "kwami! what the ****'s up, ****a! how the **** did you get out of those cartoons i drew back in high school? man, i must be buggin' OUT! hey, remember that one comic where we revealed your name, and it was hilarious because before that all of the characters were just calling you
"****a ***p ****a"? classic! well, ***t, looks like i do owe you a drink. oooooh, but you know what? hmmmm... yeah, this might not work out, because this is real life, and not a comic, so ***t like that just doesn't happen. nice try, though, you sneaky guy. back to memory lane with you!" (i figure about half way through he'll think you're nuts and just screw off.)
let me know how they pan out!
oh! you should also pretend to understand everything he says, except for his request to buy you a drink. "i'm sorry, what did you say? i don't understand... buy you a drink? this is really embarrassing, but i can't say i comprehend. i'm supposed to do what, exactly...? yes, okay, that sounds good... nope, you lost me there. can you repeat the question?" it would be even better if he gets a friend to help him in his request, and then you pretend to understand everything the friend says except for the friend's interpretation of the request that you buy a drink. it'll frustrate the hell out of them, but if you manage to keep a straight face throughout, they won't have any reason to get mad. they'll just think you're an idiot and won't talk to you ever again. everyone wins!
alternatively, every time someone makes the request you could turn to them, raise your glass, smile extra wide, belt out an enthusiastic "cheers!", and then completely ignore them.
this is fun. it reminds me of "the list" from high school. but this is less ridiculous - though, not by much.
Hey!! Still alive?! or were you eaten by a jacare? Havent heard from you in ages.
Beijos
get him a shot of water, theyre usually free and nice let down for the local sot
Yeah I tried thinking of something to say but I'm afraid they'd all get you stabbed. Or something similar. You could always charge the guy for the drink, say ask him for a blowjob. Dude, what happens in Africa stays in Africa......I got these cheeseburgers!
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