My Fellow Traveler

Now I'm not the type of person who likes to be judgme... nope, sorry, I can't even say it with a straight face. Perhaps a different approach.

(Ahem) Now I don't think that judging people before we get to know them is the right thing to do, but sometimes we cannot help ourselves. We all have a tendency to formulate opinions about each other right off the bat, even though we're acutely aware that the relevance of such opinions is likely to lessen with the passage of time. Remember the guy you met at the bar who seemed like a nice person, but then gave you VD? Or that short, scrawny kid with the stutter who you thought was a total wuss, but then ended up dropping you with a roundhouse kick to the head when you tried to steal his milk money?

In a perfect world, first impressions would be ignored, and everyone would exercise patience when it came to drawing conclusions about new acquaintances. We'd all allow ample time when forging relationships, and no one would be castigated or celebrated without merit.

But the fact of the matter is that we rarely have enough time to understand someone before we are forced to make a decision about them. And this is especially true in the backpacking world. Take a hostel for example. Hostels are an arena for fast-forward friendships, where people from different backgrounds hang out with each other for one or two nights only before going their separate ways. In order to maximize enjoyment, each traveler must identify which other residents will be the most congenial with his or her personality, and mingle amongst them accordingly before the hourglass runs out. This is no easy task.

Fortunately, I have a system. I put people into categories. Each category is reasonably ambiguous, such that nationality, gender, level of education, travel experience and age are not factors in the equation. Basically, to fall into a particular category, you must only answer this one simple question: Why are you here?

Once I've put you in the category, I've determined whether or not I'll invest any time trying to be your buddy. In a category I like? Then let's be friends! In one I don't? I'll steer clear.

Here are a few categories of traveler that I tend to avoid:

THE SPICE GIRL
This little tart is easy to identify because her backpack contains at least eight pairs of shoes, six of which are high-heeled. Makeup is also an essential travel item, and chances are she'll have a selection of products to rival the Lancome counter at Macy's. The Spice Girl's travel itinerary is a predictable one: she only visits foreign countries that have beaches and dance clubs, because hers is a vapid existence where appearances are the most important consideration, and there's no better place to flaunt your stuff than on an island full of drunken revelers. She prides herself on how beautiful she is, and makes a point of strutting around the hostel in the shortest skirt possible, such that all the resident men can ogle her cute little toosh while she fusses with her eyelash curler. At the end of her trip (read: when all Daddy's money has been spent), she goes home and tells her parents about how amazing the temples in Thailand were, even though she never actually set foot in one.

THE CARD-CARRYING HIPPIE
Inasmuch as these annoying individuals wouldn't know a real job if it smacked them across the face, they have no money and are therefore only likely to be spotted in cheap countries such as India and Peru. Looking like a hippie is a simple procedure; simply steal a few dust rags from your mother's linen closet and sew them together to make a shirt, then select a pair of pants big enough to provide shelter for a family of fifteen. But to be a hippie is more – it's about the attitude, man. It's about being different, and, like, unique. Yep, thousands of you walking around with the same obnoxious hairstyle (and for the girls, that means on their legs), all of you different and unique. Gimme a break.

THE WALKING PETRI DISH
For this Man's Man, travel isn't about what countries you've visited, but what countries you've managed to get laid in. That's why he likes to travel to places where the local girls don't really care what you look like, providing that you're white and you have money. The Petri Dish is not a solo animal, but prefers to hunt in packs with friends from his male gymnastics team at home. That way, if he has difficulty finding a girl to contaminate with his body fluids on his own accord, he can leech one off his slightly better looking cohort. As a rule, he must give detailed accounts of all his sexual endeavours to anyone willing to listen, and any successful rounds of making rumpty have to be followed up with lots of high-fiving.

THE WHINY BOOKWORM
This guy or girl is a good-natured creature and the ideal hostel roommate. They are neat, quiet, unassuming, always sweet and never a nuisance. That is, until you make a noise after 10PM. Then it's “How dare you turn the light on in the middle of the night! Have you no respect for anyone else in this room? Just because you're staying up all night doesn't mean everyone else is!” Now I'm not saying that I tolerate disco dance parties in a hostel room at 5AM either, but the expectations of the Bookworm types are extreme. Apparently, they've not come to the hostel to socialize but instead to spend an evening reading Virginia Woolf novels and going to bed early, and they feel that everyone else should do the same. It's a hostel. It's noisy. Deal with it or go sleep in the library.

THE SOLDIER OF VIRTUE
This rather pious specimen has touched down in the country for one reason only: to save it. Starving people! Inadequate hygienic standards! Shortages of water and medicine! Won't somebody think of the children? How could the rest of you jerks come here and not care about this? Don't you want to make a difference? All I have to say to these people is 'shut it'. Yes, what you are doing here is probably worthy of a pat on the back. It's not every day that people from the first world care enough to fly across the planet to some backwater nation and dedicate themselves to improving the lives of the unfortunate souls who weren't lucky enough to be born in Canada or Norway. But that doesn't mean that they should feel obliged to come down on the rest of us with vicious attacks of righteousness. Just because I didn't come to Africa to poison people with Jesus talk and build a water pump doesn't mean I don't give a hoot about the Africans' plight.

THE ARROGANT GUY WHO JUDGES EVERYONE
There's nothing I hate more than the dude who thinks he knows a thing or two about the world, that's he's better than everyone else because of all his travel experience, and even has the nerve to write a blog expose slandering everyone else who isn't exactly like him and... uh, wait. Maybe I'd better move on to the types of travelers I do like.

THE NICE AMERICAN
God Bless America? Oh, I think He's got better things to do than that. Time and time again, Americans have tried to show us that a government administration headed by simians is a perfectly acceptable arrangement, and that a mandate for taking over the world in the name of democracy is in the best interest of everyone. Maybe that's why most of us like to paint Americans black. Fortunately, there are diamonds in the rough: intelligent, well-traveled, peace-loving Americans who seem to have figured out what a 'passport' is, and that with it you can go see the world for what it is: not America. So many times in my travels, I've met wonderful people from south of the 49th, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that there are actually individuals living in that country who don't have their heads completely jammed up their [edited for content]. God Bless YOU, friendly Americans! YOU represent hope for the whole world.

THE NUCLEAR FAMILY
I'm not talking about leptons and bosons here. I'm talking about parents who decide to take their children on vacations to countries that don't have Disneyworlds, Holiday Inns or Club Med. By allowing your child to witness one of the many diverse cultures that exist outside of their normal surroundings, you will instill in them a sense of adventure that will last a lifetime. Kids soak experiences up osmotically, sometimes subconsciously, so that even though they can't really appreciate everything about a foreign country at such a tender age, they'll still gain an appreciation for travel and, especially, tolerance. I have to hand it to parents who have the courage to take their brood of youngsters to places like Ecuador and Botswana, where all the usual sources of kiddy entertainment like Six Flags and the ball room at McDonalds are not available. It must be tough, but ultimately the children will be much richer for the experience – even if it takes years for them to realize it.

THE HOT SWEDISH CHICK
Well, duh.

THE SOLO FEMALE
Granted there are plenty of girls in this world who could kick my butt six ways from Sunday. However, in general, statistically, according to the numbers, however you want to put it, girls are put through the ringer far more than their male equivalents when traveling solo, being that they are regarded as easier targets for abuse. I've had my fair share of scary situations on the road, ones where I've been unsure of my personal safety, so I can only imagine that it would have been worse had I been a porcelain-skinned blond girl with pretty eyes. To be a girl and travel on your own in places like Africa, India and South America is commendable, and any girl brave enough to do it should be immensely proud of herself. I'm trying not to sound sexist – I obviously don't think that girls aren't able to do anything guys can – but at least, when I travel, I don't have to contend with thousands of slimy men who would stop at nothing to grab my rear.

Well, that's about it. Been fun writing this one. Now feel free to make comments saying that I'm a complete and utter meany. But don't forget: I'm just telling it as I see it. You want something less edgy? Go read Virginia Woolf.